Share your Dreamspell Story

Dear Pan Node Member,

Alexander Lightbody, here, from Tucson, wondering if anyone would like to share his or her personal Dreamspell story. I've been reading bios of Jose, John Lennon and Chogyan Trungpa (Jose's "guru" in Boulder during the 70's.) As Jose has said, "Dreamspell is nothing but the story of your own life."

I thought that it might be helpful for newbies and those who are curious to be able to hear from people who have been living the Dreamspell for all these years and to be able to see what kind of changes have occurred in their lives. And this could be from Harmonic Convergence to the present or whenever you happened to jump on board. Our stories are radical and profound and I think they need to be shared and honored. (And then let go of completely, which is the real hearbreaker!)

As an example, mine would go something like this:

I was suicidal and lost in New York on the 18th floor of Macmillan Publishing, and these actor hippies who were temps there were going out into Central Park for this Harmonic Convergence thing, and I had no idea what that was. And then, a couple of weeks later, I was still there at 8:30 one night and was working 12 hour days and hating it all and couldn't delegate and couldn't say no to anybody and I was setting up the National Sales Conference for our division and I WAS A TEMP!!!! And one of these hippies came back to the office that night and said "What are you still doing here?" And she listened to me dump for half and hour and then she said, "Did you have alcoholic parents?"

And I couldn't talk. I was just sort of wagging my jaw and couldn't make any words come out and I sort of glazed over and I felt something in my chest go crack and she put some kind of meeting schedule in my hand and it said something about turning your entire life over to god and I watched her like a hawk for the next three months and I went to my rational/cognitive therapist and tested perfectly happy and I said, "I'm going to stop coming here. It has something to do with going home and just lying down on the floor and something to do with yoga or meditation or something." And they were freaked out and thought I was going crazy.

And I went to my first Rolfing (deep bodywork) session and she opened up my chest and when I walked out of her office I sort of didn't know who or where I was and I had to work really hard to figure out which direction to take the subway to get home. And then the next morning I woke up and knew it was time to go to those meetings.

And I got there and started shaking all over and didn't know why and I couldn't talk and before that I had been an actor and a naturally yakky person and I surrendered really hard to god and then all kinds of psychic and precognitive and dream stuff started to happen, and I had this really intense "pink cloud" (early spiritual experience), and all this stuff started to happen at night with crystal meditations and all these waves of ecstacy would come over me and it would go on for hours and hours and I kept going into work later and later and finally they gave all my work to other people and I said "I'm going up to the Cathedral of St John the Divine and sit beside the 2000 pound crystal cluster and 'await further instructions.'"

And I eventually heard "teaching or counseling" and ended up back home in a small Pennsylvania town and the next door neighbor gave me a fellowship to get a Master's in Counseling and during the end of the semester I role-played the treatment team at the nearest psych hospital and a week later I was involuntarily committed to that hospital and got to meet the treatment team personally. I was back around the people from the past and I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and realizing that it had always been like that, but I had just blocked it out.

And a year later I was working in a huge psych hospital as a therapist, and it was a snake pit, and all the staff was drinking and using and we were a drug and alcohol rehab unit and I totally surrendered it all to god one friday and walked in on monday and got fired.

And two days later I finally hooked up with Miguel Sague's Caney Indian Spiritual Circle and sweat lodge at the Indian Center outside of Pittsburgh, and they had hosted 400 people there for Harmonic Convergence, and Miguel was a calendar keeper, and I crawled out of the sweat lodge and downloaded my entire life to these really big eyes and she was one of the shamans there and she had been told I was coming. And several weeks later I was 3 stories up painting my cousin's house and felt the spirit move and said, "OK, god, where do I go, what do I do, and who do I do it with?" And I got the very clear message that she would have the answer and she said it was "Tucson, Arizona, has to do with healing, but it's not what you think, and it will be with a woman with a 2-syllable first name that ends in an "e" sound."

And after that everybody I met in Pittsburgh had a Tucson connection and so I got a ticket out here and then the "Big She" said, "Wait! Come back and get me! My life here is over!" And I did. And it was 10 years of barfing, screaming, raging, kicking, pounding and toxic healing for the both of us.

And in 92 Dreamspell came out and I was totally hooked from the get-go, and, once again, waves and waves of ecstacy and synchronicity, and we hosted the crystal day gatherings and did outreach and we brought Jose here for an event in 95 and he moved here in 96 and here I was house-sitting for him in 97, ten years after H.C.

Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention that we were diving into the most conflicted and wounded cultural situations in America? The gal with the big eyes was mixed-race native american, and looked mostly black, like many native people from eastern tribes, and we had a huge wedding with both shocked families up at the Indian Center in Pittsburgh in 95, and we were all diving into generations of racial pain on both sides. And then moving out to Arizona, she was totally shunned by the local native community. Really brutal and painful emotional stuff, in addition to all the other changes we were going through.

And I stopped caffeine and sugar and started to answer simple questions about early food and body parts and then the screaming and kicking and raging exploded out of nowhere and eventually I screamed my way out of all the false-personality temp jobs and out of the marriage and the Christian Counselor said, "OK. You've come apart really good now. Now dont go out and fake it any more. Get on disability." I had been doing Network Chiropractic, recovery work, raw foods and homeopathic remedies to bring up old trauma. My recovery journey has included Reiki, Healing Touch, Gestalt Therapy, Feldenkrais Work, Alexander Technique, Shamanic Journeying, and all the physical and emotional release work I did in graduate actor training in the 80's. (One notorious program insisted every student get Rolfed and go through the EST training. It had long since ceased being about acting, and now was all about the human potential movement. Theatre people were bailing out in droves and going into sound healing, psychodrama, creative expressive therapy, etc. It was a whole new world.)

Most people have a terrible time getting on disability and mine was a breeze and I was hooked up in about 3 months.

Before getting on disability I had been doing psychic readings off and on for about 15 years and had helped start a REIKI volunteer clinic at a local hospital.

Oh my god did I bash away at Jose during all those years! And he put up with all of it. Letter after letter alternately ripping him apart and then thanking him profusely for being so good to me. Chogyam Trungpa called it "hunting the guru", but it's really "bashing the guru", when the student works out all his rage against the teacher because he's being cleaned out so deeply.

So here I am 22 years after H.C., and 17 years into Dreamspell. I've tried to give it up several times, being disgusted with all those hippies who are just a crazy as I am. I've tried to go back to "normal." And it just doesn't work. Lloydine has said the same thing. It's just too much a part of me. It's "built in there."

Jose and others just look at someone like me and shake their heads. They just cant understand why I'm not out there doing 13-moon outreach and setting up an organic survival community and all the rest. And I know that what I'm doing IS doing the 13-moon calendar. It's just that I'm a Blue Crystal Night and for Nights it's all about the "inside job". And that's my contribution to changing the Universe.

This incarnation had begun his life in what he thought was a "perfect" family. There was just something wrong with him. And then after H.C., I uncovered the truth of my story. I had emotionally and spiritually dissociated from a violent, dangerous, alcoholic, rage-a-holic and incest atmosphere. I had grabbed on to every addictive thing I could find to find some hope. And now as the god stuff was let in and the addictions were all dropped, the truth of who I was returned.

Most of the new-agers I've known have been sex addicts and sexual abuse survivors. Maybe it's just part of the spiritual training. That's what seems to give us all that quest for the "high, spacey, ecstatic cosmic stuff." People intimately involved with all the movements and groups I've mentioned have been actively involved in drugs, alcohol, internet porn, sexual acting out, and spiritual imagery and practices that seem sexually creepy. And it's horrible. And this person here has had to figure out how to continue to live and to now be aware that he was used and violated and shocked and hit and screamed at by out of control sexually obsessed and wounded wackos and he just blocked that all out any way he could.

I eventually regressed to just a tiny spark deep inside my being, scared to death of everything and everybody, and I asked god for some help as to how to live here in this reality. And I got a clear message to revisit A COURSE IN MIRACLES, and really heard for the first time that god did not create ANY of this, and so it is not real. Not this person typing here, nothing in this physical world, and nothing in the past, present or future. We created it all as part of our "fall". We screamed for god as soon as we realized what had happened, we were immediately forgiven completely, went back "home", and none of this ever happened. We're already back home, and we're just here being guided out of the leftover emotional resonance by the Holy Spirit. And so lately I've been going to a lot of Buddhist meditation groups, and continuing to release the illusion. And the daily Dreamspell count continues to guide the entire healing process.

Okay, enough. You get the idea. Please e-mail me your story if you're so inclined. I will try to put them together and post them somewhere. I think it would be great for people to be able to see how the planetary healing really happens. Other cultures deal with obvious outside dangers and fears and threats. Especially in American culture, the dangers are all inside those big houses and those shiny cars, and behind those smiling faces.

I think for most people curious about the 2012 thing, these stories would show that 2012 is really just the midpoint of a process that started intensely in 1987 and will continue long after 2012. And this would be a great antidote to all the doom and gloomers and the Big Hollywood Movie.

God Bless the Heck out of all of us. God is too good, and so am I.

Alexander Q Lightbody

Blue Crystal Night